remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
