$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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