so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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