im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
