i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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