i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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