now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
