So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
