I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Still dying that you shit outside
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
