running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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