I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
