Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
His hands were made for my vagina.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
