News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's just like the Real World with babies
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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