I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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