allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
