shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
