finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
