but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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