Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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