Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
