I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
