woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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