after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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