My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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