I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
