Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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