i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
