in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
