Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
