Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
