So drunk its hurt
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
