why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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