why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
