It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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