"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
