she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Randomize
