i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
