Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
