I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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