hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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