A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
