Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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