Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
