Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
