I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
