I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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