your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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