Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
