I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
