You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
