Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
