Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
40s are totally the cure
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
