I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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