I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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