so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
